Our Little Tax Write-Off

It has been 5 months since we have been without our baby. March and April were difficult, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Angel. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. My emotions were so low, but I slowly worked back to be myself. I missed being pregnant, even though it was tough many times.

This time around, I am more scared than excited. What can I do differently? I prayed for a healthy baby, but I needed to pray for strength for myself. I guess I had to experience that low in order to appreciate the struggle.

I wish I had another picture of our Angel Baby. I have one ultrasound from our 9 week appt. The image is fuzzy and a little hard to make out, but I know where her heart is. Funny how I thought it was a boy until the day I learned the baby had passed away. That night before I dreamed of a beautiful baby girl. Since then I thought she was a girl.

Now that I am pregnant again I want to treasure each precious moment, because I do know how sacred the time I have with my child is. I never got to feel my first baby move. I want that feeling, and to see his or her smiling or crying face. I want the baby clothes hanging in our closet to be put to good use soon.

Through all the heartache we have experienced, David and I are more solid than ever. We are grateful for our friends and family who were so supportive through our loss, and who will continue to be supportive this time around. We are determined to never forget our Angel, and to stay strong.

Baby Bonilla should now be the size of a lemon. Not sure if that is bigger than a peach, but Val’s iPhone app says that he or she is now the size of a lemon. And I was so proud that Val ate all of her California Pizza Kitchen pizza yesterday. After months of seeing her unable to stomach eating much of anything, her appetite is finally back to normal … more or less.

I am finally at 13 weeks and ready to start my second trimester! Oh wow, how much of a difference I feel now versus a few weeks ago! I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it, but here I am!!! I told David yesterday that I went from being sick about 90% of the day to feeling great 90% of the day. It has improved my overall mood and helped me get even more excited about the months ahead.

Next week we have another doctor’s appointment. I can’t wait to see our little bundle once again! He or she should have less of a gummy bear form, and look more like a peach-sized baby.

While it is too soon to know the gender, we can’t wait to find out! They say we should know for sure by twenty weeks, which is only a few months away. By then (and maybe sooner), I should also start to feel the baby move. I am really excited for that to happen, because then it is really, REALLY, real!

So, here we are, full of hope and joy. I am taking care of Baby Bonilla the best I can. Can’t wait to see what is around the next corner 🙂

Here is a picture of baby Bonilla’s first toy. A gift from uncle Eddie, auntie Erica and cousins Esa, Eli, and Elena. A stuffed stuffed sea Chalupa.

With the secret not staying very secret among the Gonzales side of the family, which is expected given the level of excitement, we went ahead and gave my mom the go ahead to start telling my side of the family. She has been itching to spread the news to my aunts and uncles since she found out back in January.

It was so cute. She was super excited when we pushed her “go ahead” date up and told her to feel free to start telling family.

Apparently she immediately started making phone calls to tell everyone she is going to be a grandma.

However, we are still holding off until at least the end of the week to make it common knowledge.

At 12 weeks, baby Bonilla is now the size of a peach. Keep growing little baby and your mommy and I will keep trying our best to take care of you.

I made it! I am finally at 12 weeks, just one week away from starting my second trimester. Things are starting to get better, and I can see the better days ahead. It is amazing how much my attitude changes based on how my stomach feels. I guess that is true any time though.

In about 11 days I have another doctors appointment with another ultrasound. I can’t wait to see how much this little one has grown. According to all the Googling I have done, the baby should have a more “human” form. I want to see little arms and legs and hear that heartbeat again 🙂

I also want to say how much I appreciate my loving, supportive husband. David has been great, making sure I have whatever I need. It has been an interesting journey so far, but I wouldn’t want to take it with anyone else.

Most “experts” suggest that you do not make a pregnancy publicly known until after the 12th week, which is the end of the first trimester. After the 12th week is when the chances of complications drastically decrease. Well, Val is sitting at 11 weeks now so we are closing in on that timeframe.

People do know. My immediate family knows. Val’s immediate family and a few other members of her family know. Two of Val’s closest friends know. Val’s parents’ neighbors know. Imagine the confusion on my face when they congratulated Val. I think my mom’s dentist knows. Not sure I understand that one, but that’s fine too. A couple of Val’s coworkers know (they found out) as well as her boss. I’ve even agreed to give my mom a window to be able to be the first to tell my aunts and uncles before we made it public knowledge.

Sadly, none of my closest friends know. I have not even had an opportunity to the best man from my wedding, one of my closest friends … next to Val of course. Our schedules have just conflicted and it seems strange to tell him over email. Regardless, with the first trimester coming to a close soon, we will be able to make it public knowledge.

Val is still being strong, healthy, and amazing as usual.

Our baby is now the size of a large plum. I have to remember to look at one the next time I am at the grocery store to see just how big that is. I don’t eat a lot of plums.

Well Baby, we made it to 11 weeks. Sometime soon (according to the books) I should start getting my energy and appetite back to normal. I hope that is true, because no matter how much nutrition I want to give you I can’t seem to manage to eat it. Maybe you are just like your Daddy and don’t want to eat your veggies.

It has been a long road over a short period of time, but I keep my hopes up with all the milestones we have to come. I can’t wait to start feeling you move around. Right now you are probably enjoying all the space to float around and play astronaut. When things start to get cramped, don’t worry. You have a nice house that is waiting for you. Your Daddy and I will make a comfortable bedroom for you with everything you need. It will probably even have a 49ers blanket.

Baby, even though we don’t know who you are yet, know that your family loves you so much. We can’t wait to call you by name.

Watch out kid. With the way you have been making your mommy feel, you may get grounded right after you come out. Already in trouble and you are not even born yet. Sounds like my child alright.

Yeah. Our baby will be representin’. We found out Val was pregnant back in January. It was a week before our trip to San Francisco to watch the 49ers and Saints play in the second round of the playoffs. Right when we landed (the day before the game), I was insistent that we immediately go to The Shops at Tanforan‎ in San Bruno to look for baby 49ers clothes. The two sets to the left, which include three 49ers onesies, two 49ers beanies, a 49ers bib and booties, came from there. The little jacket and sweat pants came from Target in San Lorenzo. They are adorable.

When walking back to our car from The Shops at Tanforan with the baby clothes in hand, it finally really hit me for the first time how real it was. That was my first truly emotional moment. The second was seeing and hearing my baby’s heartbeat last week.

For our Bay Area friends who eventually see this, yes, we already knew Val was pregnant at this game. That is why she did not drink at the tailgate (anyone notice that?). The words on the fan towel I am holding seemed very appropriate.

Our baby has upgraded in size … to the size of a lime. Baby Bonilla is getting bigger. Val is now just over 10 weeks along. She is still feeling the discomforts of early pregnancy, but she is being strong.

I know it does not look like much right now and that it kind of looks like a strange gummy bear, but this is our baby. First we saw the outline and then we saw a fast little flutter, which the technician identified as the heart. Then she let us hear the heartbeat. It was amazing. I must admit, I started to tear up a bit. Of course, it is entirely possible that something may have been in my eyes, right?

I wanted to ask Valerie, “How are you doing this?! You are like magic! You can create people!” It was the first visual proof we had that our baby was in there. When I first saw the little gummy bear, it all kind of hit me how real this really was. It was joyous, inspiring, overwhelming, and even a little scary all wrapped into one incredible moment that will live with me forever.

What a great and emotional one-year anniversary we had today. This picture was a great gift. And the photo was on paper! That’s the traditional one-year gift, right?

At 9weeks, 3days, it is easy to imagine that I am pregnant. Day after day of feeling queasy and pants not fitting quite the same are my biggest clues. However, it seemed just like an imaginary thing. Something I know to be true, but still find hard to believe.

That is, until today. David and I saw our little gummy bear this afternoon, and it was pretty incredible! With one wave of her magic wand, the ultrasound tech showed me a new life. One with a strong, real, heartbeat. That little flutter and quick lub-dub made me realize exactly what was going on here.

There is a person growing inside me!! It is so crazy! Whoever he or she is, this baby is loved so much! Even though seeing the baby didn’t magically cure my nausea, or erase my tiredness, I have a bit more resolve that I can get through it all just for that tiny fluttering heart.

And that is a good thing according to the doctor. We had our first doctor visit and he said that because she has no prior conditions, allergies or anything like that, she is the best kind of patient — the boring kind. And that is great for the baby. The first doctor appointment went well and everything looks good. Thanks to my book (Dad’s Pregnant Too!), I knew what to expect so there was nothing too surprising for me.

Oh, and the doctor said that I shouldn’t gain any more than 25 pounds … oh wait … he may have been talking about Val.

We finally had a good opportunity to tell Val’s immediate family. So they are pretty happy about the news. It was so great to finally share everything with them. Baby Bonilla is loved even more now.

We can’t wait. The first appointment falls on our one-year wedding anniversary. I read in my book (Dad’s Pregnant Too!) what to expect at the first appointment. So hopefully that has prepared me a little bit. We shall see. It should be very interesting.

I don’t know if you will ever read this. Maybe you will one day. It’s funny. Other than a line on a stick, a smiley face on another, and your mommy’s nausea, we have no real proof that you actually exist. We know you exist, but we have no physical proof — other than what is happening to your mommy. Despite this, it may be comforting to know how much you are already loved.

You are loved so much by your mommy and myself. You are loved so much by grandma and grandpa Bonilla. You are their first grandchild. You are loved so much by auntie Linda. Soon, grandma and grandpa Gonzales will know about you and then you will be loved even more. Soon you will have other aunts and uncles who will know of your existence as well and they will all love you. All this — and you are still just a little prune in your mommy’s tummy (or close enough to it).

I’m not going to say it has been easy for your mommy so far. She does not feel well most of the time. That’s not your fault. It is common during the early portion of a pregnancy. However, no matter how bad she feels, she just has to think of you and the thought of seeing you for the first time and that helps her get through it.

I’d like to tell you a little about your mommy. She has all of the traits that make up a wonderful mother. She is kind, intelligent, compassionate, and loving. In fact, if you ever have any questions about the world, I suggest you go to your mommy. She is more likely to know the answers. She is also very funny with a little bit of dorky sprinkled in — in a good way. She is the most perfect match for me. I wanted you to know this so you know that you are coming into a loving home.

I’m doing my best to take care of your mommy while she is carrying you. I am trying to make sure she eats right and knows that, no matter what, she has my support. It is my mission to do what is best for you and your mommy. When it comes to that, nothing and no one will ever stand in my way. You two are too important to me. You two keep me going. You make make me want to work harder to ensure that you are provided for.

We are looking forward to meeting you and cannot wait to bring you home. Your due date seems so far away, but I am sure it will get here soon enough. Soon, I will be able to hold you in my arms and tell you all of these things in person.

Val just read to me that our baby is now the size of a prune and is growing rapidly this week. Bones are starting to form and his/her stomach is even producing digestive juices. Teeth will even start to form under the gums, but obviously won’t be visible until well after the birth.

Val still does not feel well, but hopefully that passes.

No longer a raspberry, Val informs me that our baby is now the size of an olive. All this according to her iPhone app.

Can’t wait to meet you little olive. You are growing fast.

We were getting pretty excited that our first doctor’s appointment was right around the corner. But I guess the doctor’s office had to reschedule so it was pushed back. I guess we will have to wait a bit to see our little raspberry … or whatever size it will be by then.

Not much else going on at the moment. Just trying to keep Val comfortable and little-by-little, trying to read my “Dad’s Pregnant Too!” book. Gotta be prepared for whatever Val throws at me.

A raspberry. That’s a decent size now, no? Why am I talking about a raspberry? Because according to my wife, that is the size of our baby now.

I remember when she said it was the size of a poppy seed. That seemed too small to be significant. I mean, that is really really small.

Then it was the size of an orange seed. Bigger, but still small.

Then she said it was the size of a blueberry. That size had some significance.

Now? The baby is the size of a raspberry. It is growing really fast. Seems like it was just yesterday that it was a poppy seed.

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday dinner. We decided to use the occasion to finally tell them that we were expecting a baby. We bought an “I love my grandma” frame and put a picture of a calendar with the due date circled in it. The reaction was everything we hoped. Total excitement and very emotional from both of my parents. We have known since January 9th. That was 20 days ago. It has been tough keeping this from everyone for this long. It was great to finally tell someone.

This will be my parents’ first grandchild so it was so much fun telling them and discussing it afterwards.